ambiguous_bush

As I look back at the loosely affiliated members of what MSNM calls a "friends list," and I cannot help but feel the bite of irony. I'm constantly set to an Away status that belies the fact that I am present, as I wish to avoid communication with many of the people on the list. Most don't message me, and I do not message them. Hell, to be quite honest, I barely know, if I in fact do at all, know the people on the list.

And it makes me think; how like life this list is. But rather than being an easily disarded notion brought on by the excuse of "circumstance" present in the real world that I bring up to mask the fact that I truly don't seem to care about most of the ones I call friends. There are the few that I have known for years without truly knowing them, and there are those that know me; and I them, quite intricately. And I wonder now, as it is in plain sight, what kind of relationship this is?

Is it normal to simply be acquainted with many a person, and cordially so, in a manner that says I am their "friend," and yet only show the time of day to those that have been around long enough for me to feel pangs of guilt if I neglect them? Is that all I should feel, or do I seclude myself for days at a time to simply avoid ties that I do not wish to be bound any further? Which, furthermore, leads to my questioning of why I seem to avoid social outgoings.

I could make mention that I have tried the things presented as normal for my age group. I have tried to be social, to be outgoing, and to seem like being around anyone other than certain people for more than a few hours at a time makes me want to wield weapons of medieval caliber.

It could be a lack of common interestes with the average person my age. Or, it could be that I, myself, am simply the root of the disdain and enmity between I and those I meet both offline and on. I try to be friendly, I try to be humorous and patient, and I try to give everyone proper time. But I cannot seem to fathom the idea of befriending many besides those that I already have. Those that I do friend seem more like distant faces that I occasionally wave to, and dance on the roof of a truck with. It's like I do not have friends at all, really; rather just different spectacles to be seen with during different moods and nights.

How clever a metaphor, this friendslists of strangers. How similar it is to only occasionally, awakwardly speak to someone for an hour or so of behavior akin to enjoyment. How clever that I give the impression of being gone and absent, only available to those I deem prestigous, worthy enough. How pompous, am I?

This is written in obligation to the fact that I have just subscribed to an online journal site. I'm not good with journals, to be blunt, and I've had a not so great history with them in the past. I tend to rant, or become bored and use the journal for something else. Not always horrible things, but I never claimed to have a method to anything I say. There are more than a few instances when I have allowed typos to slip by unnoticed, as I have a severe aversion to spellchecking, proofreading, and anything else used by those that seem to care about appearences in literary context. By this paragraph alone, you should also have noticed a general lack of fluid thought.

To begin with, I might as well tell of my reasons for being here. Not to say that I'll go into an anthropological or theo-analytical spiel (though, I have a tendency to branch into these), I was more refering to why I'm on LJ.com, posting little entries with no rhyme or reason under a name in which I have confused myself in using. My primary reason was to track down a certain, special someone for the intent of viewing her entries. You may recognize her from my display picture. Or, on second thought, maybe not. Pixely people going for a kiss wouldn't say much to most people. But on the other hand, the image may become familiar to those interested enough to press on into finding that certain someone.

My other motivation was the recent discovery of an older journal I wrote while I was a junior in high school. Despite not feeling much different, nor looking it (despite length of hair), my attitude and writing style seem to have changed greatly. Or at least, so I hope. Perhaps this is a way to record thoughts and view the way I presented them in several years time, when I have likely studied more subjects and learned more about this art that eludes me so well that is called writing. Personally, I think my significant other handles that aspect much better, so I'll leave such things to my better half.

And finally, I am not a serious person. ;3 Do not confuse my lack of emoticons of witty banter as an indication of this. xD See? I already made two emoticons and a sarcastic remark! Lovely. <3 Either way. My journal offers no interaction with anyone but myself, and as most don't crack a joke to themself for the sake of a guffawing laugh, I do not expect to have to personalize recorded thought. Now, if you track me down to MSN at whoody_who@hotmail.com, the situation may change slightly.

That concludes my first entry as introduction,  and now I skip straight to recording thoughts and the like.

Recently, I have become involved with someone. I say recently as if the span of several months were brief and hardly noticed, and while they were long, sometimes arduous days, the time spent with her has felt entirely too short. I have come to love this woman, and that I know for a fact. It is a fact I both embrace and shudder at. We met online, and we have a continental divide, so to speak. I tried the online dating thing before, and I crashed and burned with it. Actually, I completely shunned the idea, and looked at it as unrealistic and unwise. For some reason, though, this woman was special enough that I threw my prior decisons aside, and now here I am.

It kind of scares me to think that I could come this close to someone, to need them this much in any sense. It's even more nerve-wracking to think of the short time in which it happened, and the circumstances involved. At this point, however, all risks are worth taking, and I have every plan to explore them each in turn. It's not everyday that you find someone that satisfies everything about you at once. It's not easy to find someone who combines beauty, intellect, and the most god damn frustrating tendancies I've ever known into a single being with the general air that she has. But now, I feel odd, as I'm placing a sense of anonymity on someone who deserves to be revered and held in the spotlight. However, it adds mysterious qualities, and it's not like you won't be able to figure out who she is eventually.

Other than that, I'm a madly flailing college student (both literally and figuratively) who enjoys making a general ass of myself. I recently have come to find myself in a decline in schoolwork, and it is quite depressing to think about. Moreso because it seems to be an affliction that affects everything. But enough of that. I'd like to more focus on my recent viewing of 300, thanks to my special lady's reccomendation of it. I liked it, and I had many a fanboy orgasm in the theater. The aftermath of the movie even included my friend Matt and I sparring with shields, swords and spears. Well, more like a barrel cover, broken graden handles, and steel pipes. It was grand, and my shield did more damage to my arm than he did to me with his six foot length of metal. Later that night, his newest lady friend kicked both of our asses with that same steel pipe. She broke my bamboo rod, and shattered Matt's weapons as well. Hell hath no fury?

My hobbies typically include playing MMOs such as Shadowbane or Ragnarok Online, attempting to rekindle my writing ability, or reading if I can find a book worth the time. I have lost interest in debate and ranting about "deeper" issues for some reason. I suppose flexing my peni--er. My forehead. Yes, flexing my forehead. It has become less interesting lately. Why? I don't know. But pretty much the only topic I'll rant on anymore will have to deal with psychology; which also just so happens to be my college major right now. So, I get to learn about addictive qualities and socio-sexual habits of human beings fro man experimental point of view. That makes me happy, so I must be nerdy or something. It's not my fault that I want a sexy labcoat and a pocket full of pens.

Enough ranting.